


blame it on the lies that killed us, blame it on the truth that ran us down

by TheRurrJurr



Series: one step up and two steps back [6]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Deep Conversations, angst is a bad bitch you can't kill me, gadbois
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-06 22:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18225974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRurrJurr/pseuds/TheRurrJurr
Summary: For all their talk about the biggest fights being when they weren't speaking, maybe letting it all out wasn't such a bad idea.





	blame it on the lies that killed us, blame it on the truth that ran us down

** Montreal, Quebec **

** March 29, 2019 **

"I have someone I want you to meet."

Tessa stops lacing up her skates and looks up at Marie. "Oh?" It's noncommittal, vaguely interested, and attempting to be blasé. Because if someone else tries to set her up with yet another friend-of-a-friend, she's going to snap.

"Friend of a friend."

(of course)

"Just got out of a relationship. You'd like him."

People usually have the best of intentions with conversations like this lately, but it makes her stomach churn. It's not the time. She's not sure when it will be. She finishes lacing up, straightens her legs and rolls her ankles around to get warm. "Hmm."

"You could do worse. He's handsome and tall," Marie insists as Tessa stands up. "Young, fun, very nice, speaks excellent French, works in publishing, likes nice things..." She shrugs. "Might be fun. You should give it a shot. I'll make the introduction."

Tessa shifts against the boards. "I'll think about it. I've been pretty slammed with work and sponsor stuff and we obviously have touring coming up."

Marie rolls her eyes. "There will always be an excuse."

A loud commotion breaks the relative early morning quiet, as the heavy doors to the rink push open, then slam shut. Tessa and Marie both turn their attention in that direction as Scott walks in. "Morning," he mumbles and throws his bag onto the bleachers, fishing his skates out.

Marie gives him a polite smile and kiss on the cheek. He looks over at Tessa as she nods a quick greeting in his direction. Patch, always perceptive and ready to defuse the situation, gives Tessa and Marie a look and heads over to greet Scott.

It wasn't too long ago that they'd show up together from their condo, her bleary-eyed and clutching her coffee, him wide-eyed and chipper, gently teasing her about the early hour. They'd huddle against each other, him murmuring stupid jokes into her hair, rubbing her back to get her warm, as they waited for the rest of their team to arrive. She was exhausted, freezing and sometimes wondering what the hell the point was. But she had been happy, and he had seemed that way too.

Now that condo sits occupied by new skaters, they hadn't even coordinated flight times or travel schedules for this, her coffee order has changed yet again, his still-newish girlfriend is still in the picture, and she's not sure if she wants to run towards him and kiss him or clock him in his left eye. Some days she's ready to head for the hills when she thinks about him and some days she hopes he's finally going to call and beg for forgiveness.

Deciding to tour in the spring was a questionable choice that she had waffled on for months. They hadn't been on the ice together since the end of their own tour, much less spoken voluntarily to each other, but if that was what it took to close the door on the partnership, then fine. If nothing else, she'd get to see her friends and hang with Marie and Patch. And at the beginning of this week, the newness had kept them going. If she was pettily happy that Jackie wasn't around, so be it. But just off of his energy this morning, the week might not end so great.

Tessa turns back to Marie and shakes her head. She can barely hear herself talk when she responds. "It's still a little raw."

There's a beat before Marie runs a comforting hand down Tessa's arm. "I know. Take your time." Tessa gives her a tight-lipped smile in return, grateful for the topic being dropped. Marie gives her hand a comforting squeeze. "You know he turned us down?" she offers after a brief pause.

Tessa whips her head towards Marie. "What?" Her head snaps over to Scott, lacing up and nodding at something Patch is saying. She’s suddenly acutely aware that for the first time, possibly ever, she has no clue what’s happening in his life. She hates it.

Marie nods. "We offered him an unofficial position while he completed all the certifications. We offered to pay for those, too, and he could stay with us if he didn't want to commit to an apartment lease or anything. Then he'd start full-time here when he finished. But then he came back just before Christmas and said he wouldn't do it."

Tessa looks at her, confused. "Did he say why?"

“Nothing. Next I hear, Sam says he's in Florida and may as well be living there." She tilts her head at Tessa. "Has he..."

"Said anything? No, we haven't been in a room alone in months." Tessa purses her lips. "I don't know, either. I wish I could tell you. There's a lot I don't get about what's been happening lately, honestly."

"Is he telling...anyone?"

Tessa slowly shakes her head. "I don't think so, no."

"His mother? Brothers? No?"

Tessa sighs. "He's been everywhere but home in the last few months from what little I know of it."

"I'm sorry." Marie's shoulders fall. "We do worry."

Tessa looks down, playing with her rings. "Me, too." She glances over at him, lacing up and making small talk with Patch and Sam.

Every now and then, she thinks that the distance is healthy, that maybe this was all for the best, that they need to figure themselves out before going forward (if they ever go forward). It doesn't make what happened hurt any less, nor does it erase the fact that he's still with her, spending more time in Florida and who knows where else than in Canada with his family, after he had talked a good game for months about staying home. She hates all of it and would suddenly rather be anywhere else.

Sam's boundless energy helps to lift up the room. "Can we do "Moulin Rouge" for old time's sake?" he jokingly begs.

Tessa cocks an eyebrow. She's pretty sure this is just another one of his schemes to get them uncomfortable. "As a warmup?"

"You've done it, what, a thousand times before, right? It should be second nature.”

Scott moves past them and skates out onto the ice. "Whatever," she hears him mutter.

Tessa exchanges a nervous look with the team. "Okay."

Sam puts on a big smile and gives her a too-enthusiastic thumbs up. "Ready?"

Tessa returns his thumbs-up with a sarcastic eye roll thrown in. "Yay." She steps out onto the ice and waits for Scott to lap back around before he reaches out for her. They keep their hands in a dance hold and keep their gloves on, avoiding any unnecessary contact. Just as actual business partners would, she tells herself. Because that's what they are now. And it's fine, because these things always have a way of working themselves out, she tells herself. It's fine.

"It's early as shit," he groans.

"8 AM isn't that early," she points out.

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever. I'm out of practice."

"Kind of makes me nostalgic," Tessa counters. He grunts in the way of an answer.

The music starts, but they don't jump in with any choreography until Christian begins singing. They're both moving a little slower than usual and she doesn't quite feel synced with the music. Maybe it's the baggage that comes along with the program itself or the fact that this morning hasn't started out auspiciously. It's unsettling and she tries to get out of her headspace. She looks at him nervously as the music crescendoes. "Are we going for..." she starts.

He nods. "I feel fine. Let's do it."

_ You're free to leave me _

_ But just don't deceive me _

_ And please believe me when I say I love you _

Her worst fears come to pass as she feels herself having trouble exiting from his shoulders. His rotation is already shaky and he can't quite get the grip on her waist as his toe pick digs into the ice. She tries gripping her arms tighter around his neck, but it's not enough. She think she hears a loud "FUCK" as she realizes they're both going down too quickly and feels the chill of the ice through her leggings as her hip makes contact with the ground.

She hits the boards with a thud that sounds worse than it feels. Her elbow gets the brunt of it, her funny bone tingling, and she can feel her hip start to throb painfully. She winces at the sharp pain and closes her eyes to collect herself. It travels up her right side, pricking along her nerves. But she's alright. At least physically.

The music stops abruptly and she leans against the board, catching her breath. She sees Marie skating over while Patch heads in the opposite direction on the ice. "Are you okay?" Marie asks, kneeling down and bending in closer.

Tessa nods, breathing slowly. "Nothing's sprained, I don't think. Just bruised, maybe cut." She inspects the damage - just a tiny tear in her leggings from where her knee hit the boards. She's more shaken up than anything.

She looks around for Scott, out of her immediate sightline. She eventually spots him, hunched over across the rink, head in his hands. His back is shaking and she can tell he's struggling to catch his breath. Patch skates over, placing a hand on his back. He whispers something to Scott and Scott shakes his head angrily at whatever Patch said. Scott throws Patch's hand off his back, gets up and exits the ice, slamming the boards shut behind him.

"Lot of good that Cross-whatever training has done him," Marie remarks under her breath.

Tessa winces. "He caught his toe pick. And I didn't have a good grip coming out of it."

"Come on." She feels Marie gently tug on her elbow to help her up and a quick sting shoot through her knee as she stands. Scott's sitting at the opposite end of the bleachers from where she's headed, hands fisting his hair, trying to get a handle on his breathing.

If they can’t even get it together on the ice, they’re totally fucked.

She takes the ice pack from Sam and presses it against her elbow. Scott's yanking his skates off, silent, and shoves his feet back into his sneakers. He stands up and barges out of the rink, skates in hand, letting the heavy door slam behind him.

Tessa follows him with her eyes as she unlaces and gets back into her street shoes. "I should check on him."

"Are you sure?" Marie asks, eyebrow raised.

Tessa thinks it over, then shakes her head. "No." She heads outside anyway.

She finds him in the hallway, slouched over on a metal bench, skates and guards strewn across the floor. "Are you okay?" she begins gently.

His face is bright red, his jaw clenched, elbows on his thighs. It's the most hostile body language she's seen from him in a while. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Fuck, Tess, just leave it alone."

“This has never happened, we should probably talk about it,” she pushes, tentative.

He stares daggers at her. "I mean it, Tess. Leave it alone."

She meets his look. "How are we supposed to work together for the tour if we can't even talk about stuff like this?"

He laughs to himself. "Now you want to talk? After you shat the bed on that last summer?"

She can feel the heat rising in her face. Her voice is even and measured, betraying how she really feels. "Everything that has happened since then has been on you. I screwed up one thing, you've screwed up everything else."

"Because it's always my fault," he retorts.

"I never said that."

"But it is."

She throws her hands at her side. "Fine, it is. What are you going to do about it? Because I certainly haven't seen anything to show that you're trying to fix things."

"Is it worth fixing?" he asks.

She glares at him. "It's 8 AM. Are you drunk already?"

"God, I wish," he drawls. "Don't press this, please."

"Okay, we'll just be angry at each other forever and fuck up our pro careers and the tour because we're petty and immature. I'm good with that."

She's not sure exactly how it happens, but suddenly Marie has a hand on her back, Patch has Scott by the shoulders and they're sitting on a couch in a Gadbois office, facing their former coaches. "I feel like a fucking kindergartner," Scott groans.

"You certainly have the maturity of one," Marie shoots back.

Scott rolls his eyes. “Well, everyone who’s been bugging me to get back into therapy wins, I guess.”

Patch and Marie face them. "We're not therapists," Patch starts, "but clearly those have done you no good. So we can't get much worse, no?"

"This is so fucking stupid," Scott mutters and Tessa glares at him.

Marie glances between them. "Look, whatever happened, it's none of our business," she says. "But as skaters and business partners, if that's what you're going to be," she gives a pointed look to Scott, "you should at least communicate."

"Is this because I backed out on you guys?" he asks. "Are you still pissed about that?"

"To be honest, I don't think we want you here now," Marie throws back.

He blanches, and Tessa almost wants to jump in to defend him, but can't bring herself to do it. "Look, if this day is going to be waste, can I just go back to the hotel?" Scott asks. "It's been a good week so far, let's not blow it."

Tessa takes a deep breath, cautious about what she should say, but being diplomatic and ignoring things hasn't exactly worked out well in the past.

Fuck it. "Why are you being such an asshole about this?"

Scott snaps his head in her direction as Marie and Patch's eyes both widen. "Excuse me?"

"You have turned down help from everyone who's offered. You've disappeared for months at a time after talking this great game about wanting to be at home. You have taken zero responsibility for me, or her, for that matter." Something has snapped and she's never felt braver. "People still care about you. Don't burn things down while you still have that."

Scott stutters for a moment. "I don't know. There's a lot going on. Maybe I'm just not thinking clearly."

"Because you don't think. Ever. All you do is say things when it comes to us. It's taken me a long time to realize that but that's really all you do." She stares ahead at a pattern on the carpet.

For all their talk of "the worst fights are when we don't talk to each other," there's something to be said for letting it all out. It's new territory, and completely terrifying, but surprisingly cathartic. Maybe it was well overdue.

"What the fuck do you mean, all I do is say things?" His eyes are fiery, daring hers to meet his. "I bought a whole goddamn new wardrobe for you. I went to all of your shoots. I don't give a shit about fashion. I did it for you. Did it not mean anything?"

"I never asked you to do any of that." She wipes away a stubborn tear. "I didn't...of course I appreciated it. But I never needed you to do that or wanted you to change yourself or anything like that. I just needed you to be there and give me some follow-through and to please listen when I asked that we not rush into things. I'm not sure why you couldn't handle that."

"I wasn't the one who was all talk and no action," he points out. "You made damn sure everyone thought we were together, right? Even after you pulled the "let's wait a little bit" crap? How many more times was I going to get on Instagram and see something you posted of us that was going to get everyone amped up? It's all about the image and getting the money while the getting's good, right?"

"We WERE together." She's on a rampage now. "You took my words, twisted them to fit whatever you wanted to get out of it, actively lied to me and won't even claim her in public yet. And you can't shut those people on Instagram out. Guess who's paying for those flights to Tampa. Not you."

“Right, the fans. The almighty fans.” He glares at her. “Only one of us lives her life dictated by what the fans say.”

Marie curses in French under her breath and Patch leans forward, hoping to stop what's happening in front of him before it gets more out of control. Tessa holds up a hand to stop him.

"I lived my life based on where I thought you and I were going to end up," she insists. "I mean, one minute you're saying things like "you were worth the wait" and the next minute I'm not?” Her voice is breaking against her will and she furiously blinks back tears, trying to regain her composure. "And then you don't even tell me what's going on and disappear for months at a time?"

She’s quieter and shaky when she speaks again. "What the hell am I supposed to think when that happens?”

Scott is silent, staring straight ahead. Patch and Marie can’t make eye contact with them. Tessa looks down at the ground and wipes the corner of her eyes. “I guess I’ve just been really confused lately, is all.” She takes a deep breath. "I mean, the way you're talking about it...were you ever happy with me?"

Scott sighs and shifts in his seat. ”Look, does any of this really fucking matter anymore? We're just business partners, right?" he mutters.

She searches for her words. "I'd like to think that at some point we could at least be friendly. You know, be in the same room and be able to speak to each other."

Scott stands up. "Let me know when that happens. I'm done here."

Tessa squeezes her eyes shut when he slams the door behind him. She breathes in deep, composing herself for a moment, before she hears Marie speak. "I don't think he means it," she assures Tessa. "He just isn't dealing well."

"Yeah, no shit," Tessa whispers.

"Are you okay?" Patch asks.

Tessa agrees, probably a little too enthusiastically. "Yeah, I expected that kind of reaction. But, whatever. I'm fine."

Marie cocks an eyebrow. "I don't believe you."

Tessa collapses into the back of the chair. "Then don't." She feels their eyes on her as she collects herself. "This, just..." Tessa takes a breath. "This wasn't how it was supposed to go."

"I know," Marie says, quiet.

Tessa reaches up, rubbing her temple. "How the hell did this all get so fucked up?" she wonders out loud. "Whatever. It is what it is now, I guess."

"Do you want a ride back to the hotel?" Patch offers.

Tessa nods. "I'll meet you outside when you're ready."

She's waiting near the parking lot a few minutes later, huddling against herself. A gust of wind hits her face like a whip and she sharply inhales before she notices he's standing to her left, pacing back and forth. He looks up and briefly meets her eyes before looking back down at his phone. "Uber driver's lost," Scott mutters.

"Hmm." She rocks back and forth on her heels. "You could wait inside if you're cold."

"So could you."

"I need the fresh air." She studies the ground, bending her knees to get warm. "Are you staying in town for a bit?" He stares at her blankly. "I'm not fishing for plans, I'm just making polite conversation," she retorts.

His shoulders drop and something resembling guilt flashes across his face. "Yeah, just the weekend. She's -- " he stops himself, "she's never been here so we're going to do some exploring before heading to London. Should be connecting in Toronto right about now."

Tessa nods, feeling a pang of jealousy and being territorial, because this is their city, not hers. "Maybe she can finally update her travel Instagram."

He either ignores her or didn't hear her as a black Toyota Camry pulls up and he gestures over. "This is my ride."

"Swanky." She pauses, unsure of where to go with this next.

He does it for her. "See you around?"

She purses her lips. "Maybe."

His face hardens, then falls. He opens the door to the car and wordlessly gets in.

***

Her phone buzzes later that night as she's getting in her pajamas. <<Can we talk?>>

Tessa's eyes widen. He hasn't said that in close to a year. And she certainly wasn't expecting it tonight. <<I'm about to turn in. It's late.>>

He responds. <<She's passed out and I can't sleep. Please?>>

Tessa scoffs. He's got to be drunk. <<Really?>>

Three dots. <<Really.>>

She shouldn't. But she does anyway. <<Room 1211.>>

He shows up about five minutes later, surprisingly sober and clear-eyed, in his sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt. "Thanks," he mumbles as she lets him in. "How's your hip?"

"A little sore but fine. At least it's the last day here," she says. There's an awkward pause. "So what will do you do when she wakes up and you're not there?"

Scott glances around. "I left a note. Told her I needed to clear my head."

"Well, that'll certainly be enough for her, I'm sure," Tessa deadpans.

"I don't know, she doesn't ask a lot of questions," Scott admits.

"That's perfect for you, then." She sits down at the edge of the bed and he follows.

An uncomfortable moment of quiet passes. He's staring ahead at the wall across from the bed and she's waiting for him to say something. "So what's going on?"

Scott rubs his neck. "I don't...I don't know."

Tessa cocks an eyebrow. "You make me open the door for you at 11:30 at night for an "I don't know" when your girlfriend is sleeping in this same hotel?" She uses the quiet to take a good look at him finally. His carriage is different, his body language is closed off and he's been moving a little bit slower. It's almost like the person she knew over the last few years has been replaced with a double who can't quite get it right.

But this is really him, and she knows things aren't great. He's silent for a little while, then takes a deep breath before speaking. "I'm really sorry about earlier," he finally blurts out. "It was really shitty of me and stupid, I had a bad phone call with her last night and I didn't sleep so everything was just kind of building up." He looks down at his hands. "I don't know why I take stuff out on you and I shouldn't but...old habits die hard, I guess."

Tessa smirks to herself. "Yes, they do."

He continues. "Look, I just...I've been a fucking mess," he says, "for the last, I don't know, six months, or, like, fifteen years, probably?" He looks to her and she briefly meets his eyes. "I'm miserable. I know I'm drinking way too much. I feel like shit constantly. I haven't been skating on days I'm not coaching. I don't feel okay being home so I hang out in Florida. This whole thing with us is so fucked. I feel, like, restless, I guess, but I'm also just so worn down all the time and I can't do anything about it. Just...nothing feels right."

"I know," she says, understanding but also really, really hating him for pulling this right now. "Why'd you turn down Marie and Patch?"

Scott shrugs. "I don't know. I don't blame them for being pissed." He sighs. "It's weird. I know I want to commit to someplace, I just can't for some reason. It's a lot easier to just pop in here and there, I guess."

"Have you tried talking to anyone?"

He shakes his head. "Not really. I know I should but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. It's hard to explain."

"Maybe you should figure out why that is first," she offers.

"See, I can just talk to you," he half-jokes.

Tessa stares him down firmly. "No. Not about this." He looks down, shoulders hunched, as she continues. "These last few months have been the worst of my life. This," she gestures between them, "aside, it's been awful. And it seems like you haven't been around on purpose, which makes it even worse. I would give anything to turn the clock back to last year. But I can't just magically put everything since Nashville out of my head, or everything bad from the last 21 years for that matter."

Scott runs his hand down his face. "I know."

"And until you start to actually work on things instead of ignoring them, I have no idea how we're going to be able to move forward." Tessa glances down at the comforter. "I feel for you. I really do, because I'm dealing with the same stuff. I know it's not easy. It sucks. A lot. But I need you to be serious about it if you really want things to get better."

Scott turns toward her, head down. "Can I ask you something?"

She sighs. "Sure."

He looks around, unsure, before continuing. "Do you think that going for another Games hurt us more than it helped us?"

Tessa bites her lip, then nods. "Yeah. I do." Tears prick at the corner of her eyes. "Some days I wish we hadn't done it." He snaps his head over at her. "Don't act surprised. We're in worse shape than we were before and we both know it."

Scott shifts around. "I don't know. It was good and bad, maybe? I was in such a bad place before. Just, like, no structure or vision or anything. I guess it helped in that sense. For a little bit, at least."

Tessa rolls her eyes. "So we temporarily put a Band-Aid over something that really needed stitches. And now we're just letting it bleed out."

He raises an eyebrow."That's a little pessimistic, isn't it?"

Tessa scoffs. "I mean, can you honestly look at me and tell me that everything over the last year has been worth a gold medal and some endorsement money?"

His silence is her answer. "What did it get us? A bunch of attention we didn't want? Another chance to ignore the real issues behind everything? Everything that happened last fall with us?" She stops to wipe away a tear. "We were doing okay before it, right? And now everything's just shot to hell."

Scott rubs his hands together. "We did some great things, though. Not just out there," he gestures towards the door, "but...us. Maybe that makes it worth it." He takes a deep breath. "You asked earlier if I was ever happy with you and...I was. I really was." He slowly smiles. "It was great."

She stares at him, incredulous and hopeless. "So why'd you blow it up if it was so great?"

The room is silent as he slumps over, head in his hands. "I don't know," he quietly admits. She hears him sniffle and pinch his nose. "I wish I did."

Tessa waits before continuing. "I can't save you every time," she points out. "To be fair, neither can she. And if it wasn't her, it would be some other girl absorbing all your problems. You have got to work on yourself." She blinks back fresh tears. "This is why I wanted to slow down." He wrings his hands as she speaks. "Forget the outside world and its pressures. There's just too much happening right here that jumping into things would destroy us."

"But it did anyway."

Tessa tilts her head. "I let you in here. That must be a good sign." He sits up and nods, dabbing at his eyes. "Let's just try this co-existing business partner thing, okay? I'm really not willing or ready to think past that yet."

He inhales and runs a hand over his face. "Okay."

She eyes him cautiously. "So was this an apology, or..."

His posture falls. "Sure. I guess."

Tessa shakes her head. "I deserve a lot better than "I guess"," she says. His jaw clenches and unclenches and a brief flash of sadness passes over his face. She almost feels bad. Almost. "We should probably get some sleep."

She walks them to the door. "Just..." Scott leans against the doorframe, facing her. "I don't know. This last week was probably the happiest I've been in a really long time." He softly smiles. "Something finally felt right."

She smiles back, despite herself. "Me too." She studies the carpet pattern. "Maybe that should tell us something."

"Yeah." He mirrors her stance, staring at the ground. "See you Monday?"

She looks up at him and nods. "Yeah."

He opens the door and leaves the room. She locks it behind him, her heart pounding and half-expecting him to walk back in. This is good, she reminds herself. It's fine. This is how normal people heal. They talk about things and fix them. It sucks. But it's fine.

Maybe things really had to break before they could start putting them back together.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii I'm back. life has been...insanity lately. but i'm hoping to finish this series up in the next few installments. friendly reminder that i made [a playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/pitchydawg/playlist/0eiEexY4Jjr8o0jANwKysp?si=SKUJ85xYROOdCkN0V6Rkmg) for this series that i've been updating more than i've been updating the series itself.
> 
> s/o as always to bruce springsteen & patti scialfa for their inspiration.


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